Sunday, June 21, 2009

Eureka #5

I feel very silly mentioning this, but I realize that I have a very difficult time talking to members of the opposite sex. It seems as though my friends have an effortless time showing affection, and interest while I seem to resemble more of the ice princess. A few days ago I noticed how I interact at social settings. I usually seem stand offish, cold, and shy. I mean if I happen to see a man in public that gives of an aura of intelligence, or well cuteness, I seem to be almost repelled: I make sure I make no eye contact! All the time. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. It could be that my mind/heart is still focused on someone of the past, and I'm just simply scared to be approached or to approach someone of the opposite sex. I also fear that if the guy is relatively normal (if that exists) he won't want to talk to me, and thus be repelled by my obvious bohemia/academia obsession. I seem to think that I only attract people who don't want to be in a healthy realtionship. Maybe this thought actually creates the reality? I always fear that I will be alone forever with stray cats crawling all over my house, even though I own no cats. I also fear that I may say something rather stupid if I do open my mouth, which I guess I think if I did do that I would never recover from it (as if I have never done it before). Two concepts of women always flutter into my head when I'm in a situation where I could reach out and speak to a member of the opposite sex: that I'm a flirt and a floozy if I come on too strong, and if I'm quiet and shy he won't want to talk to me. And that he won't end up coming up to me anyway. I think I'm naturally a shy person, and many male friends have given me positive feedback telling me that I don't seem like I'm looking for anyone, and I don't seem "easy", and that can be intimidating. I just think it's time that I break out of my traditional female shell of being the "submissive" female, and if I want to talk to someone, I make it happen. Though to even write those words makes my skin itch and my heart beat faster than a pubescent boy watching Pamela Anderson.


  1. I feel like most girls our age are having trouble finding a "healthy" relationship... We are at such a strange point in our lives where relationships hold a lot more potential than they may have when we were 14...16... even 18... The pressure to get a job, move out of our parents houses, and eventually enter a serious relationship is building, and maybe you need to wonder if being shy is simply a character trait, or are you really fulfilling the expected submissive traits of a woman. As for being afraid of saying something "stupid"...that's definitely part of your personality and if something "stupid" comes out I'm sure its not really stupid and that if the person you are talking to dislikes that comment... forget them! be confident, youre perfect exactly the way you are. dont change for anyone. but dont think that you wont find a healthy relationship judging by who you've met so far- you'll find some one who enjoys you for you and that'll when your wall will come down

  2. You're sweet shaina. no matter my understanding of gender, I still adhere to traditional roles of men/women in relationships and I don't speak to guys first because I just think it's natural for a man to pursue a woman. After all of my gender research I still think this way, and I cannot help it. Perhaps because everything I've seen in relationships in which a woman has "chased" after a man, has turned out to be one sided and unhealthy.