Sunday, June 21, 2009
I feel very silly mentioning this, but I realize that I have a very difficult time talking to members of the opposite sex. It seems as though my friends have an effortless time showing affection, and interest while I seem to resemble more of the ice princess. A few days ago I noticed how I interact at social settings. I usually seem stand offish, cold, and shy. I mean if I happen to see a man in public that gives of an aura of intelligence, or well cuteness, I seem to be almost repelled: I make sure I make no eye contact! All the time. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. It could be that my mind/heart is still focused on someone of the past, and I'm just simply scared to be approached or to approach someone of the opposite sex. I also fear that if the guy is relatively normal (if that exists) he won't want to talk to me, and thus be repelled by my obvious bohemia/academia obsession. I seem to think that I only attract people who don't want to be in a healthy realtionship. Maybe this thought actually creates the reality? I always fear that I will be alone forever with stray cats crawling all over my house, even though I own no cats. I also fear that I may say something rather stupid if I do open my mouth, which I guess I think if I did do that I would never recover from it (as if I have never done it before). Two concepts of women always flutter into my head when I'm in a situation where I could reach out and speak to a member of the opposite sex: that I'm a flirt and a floozy if I come on too strong, and if I'm quiet and shy he won't want to talk to me. And that he won't end up coming up to me anyway. I think I'm naturally a shy person, and many male friends have given me positive feedback telling me that I don't seem like I'm looking for anyone, and I don't seem "easy", and that can be intimidating. I just think it's time that I break out of my traditional female shell of being the "submissive" female, and if I want to talk to someone, I make it happen. Though to even write those words makes my skin itch and my heart beat faster than a pubescent boy watching Pamela Anderson.